Fear is unpleasant. When fear knocks on the door, anxiety is also right next to him. It’s an emotion and manifests at a physical level: our body stiffens up, and we are either prepared to fight or flee a dangerous situation. Rage or paralysis, fear overrides our bodies and prepares us for danger. That has served us well evolutionary. But it can also feel like a prison.
At a seminar about self-development, the lecturer asked us to recall a typical National Geographic scene. It’s a calm, hot day in the savanna. A gazelle is peacefully grazing undisturbed by its surroundings. Meanwhile, a hungry lion is preparing for an attack in the bushes. He jumps, surprises the gazelle and runs to her. The gazelle realises it is in danger and starts running for its life. Luckily for the gazelle, but not for the lion, it manages to escape. After the unsuccessful attack, it finds a new piece of grass and peacefully starts eating again. The lion goes back to the bushes to rest and prepares for another attack. Have you ever noticed how calm they both are once such an attack is over? The gazelle starts grazing again despite a recent near-death experience. And the lion relaxes even though he launched an unsuccessful attack. He retreats to prepare.
It becomes harder and harder for us, humans, to switch off the way the gazelle and the lion can. We worry more and more. Being in a constant fight-or-flight state is exhausting and uses a lot of our mental power. It also prevents us from learning. We might never become better presenters because to become better, we need to practice, and we cannot practice because we are terrified of public speaking. The situations are numerous, and in some, fear is a rational response, but in others: not so much. It is rational for the gazelle to be afraid when attacked by a lion. But it makes no sense for the gazelle to think about the lion when he is 100 kilometres away. She will use up valuable energy and might not have the capacity to run when an actual attack occurs. In this article, I address fears that can be perceived as irrational. By that, I mean fears that arise in situations that are objectively not life-threatening.
Our imagination distinguishes us as species. As humans, we have the incredible power to imagine hypothetical scenarios. We can imagine a better future or relieve a past event. We also store our past and trauma. Our brain remembers a traumatic event and when caught in a similar pattern in the present, it calls on our fight-or-flight response. At the edge of a rooftop bar, I cannot stop imagining tripping over the edge and falling on the ground below. In a room full of people, I cannot stop hearing their disapproving voices of my worthiness. I am afraid to voice my opinion because I fear that my opinion will lead to rejection by the person in front of me. If any of these scenarios sound familiar to you, you know what it feels like to be in this prison.
When grabbed by fear, we can deploy two strategies: an approach that treats the symptom (techniques to draw us out of the fight-or-flight mode such as breathing exercises) and an approach that treats the cause (addressing fear itself). Both help us greatly. In this article, we will focus on addressing fear.
Fear of heights
How it feels: This is an overpowering phobia. I hate the feeling of paralysis when you look down at a tall building.
One way to tackle it: It took me 25 years, but at one point, the irritation of my fear grew stronger than the actual fear, so I decided to go skydiving. I prepared myself that the moment just before boarding the plane might be the moment I choose to opt out, so with all my power, I decided to empty my mind by deeply focusing on surrounding objects. I observed all the details of the chair I was sitting on in the waiting room, then tried to memorise the seat assembly in the bus that took us to the plane. I was at the edge of the plane’s body in one moment, and the instructor behind me pushed me. I was in the air.
Fear of public speaking
How it feels: I start shaking just by thinking about speaking in front of a group that is larger than myself.
One way to tackle it: So imagine how I felt when I was invited to deliver the student speech at my university’s graduation where more than a thousand people were to be present in the room. My initial reaction was to say, “no way.” But then I stopped, took a breath and asked myself when I would get such an opportunity again? If I had one attempt to get rid of my fear of public speaking, that was it. So I jumped right in. In all honesty, I was lucky because when I was delivering the speech, the projectors were so bright that I could not see the audience, which helped me stay calm. I cannot claim that I am public-speaking-fear-free after giving the speech, but it was the first step in my battle, and it felt free that I chose not to run away from the occasion.
Fear of rejection and abandonment
How it feels: There is not much I can say here, and any tips are welcome because this is a fear that is so hard to tame.
One way to tackle it: Perhaps the best solution is to learn to trust yourself, and this is a long process.
When we were children, we were all afraid of something. Some of us feared the dark, some of us feared strangers and monsters and the list goes on. I remember standing at the edge of a pool when I was 5, and I had no idea how to swim. I was terrified to jump in the water. Family members touted that brave people are not afraid and made fun of me. But that is not true. How can you be brave if fear is not present? Fear is a great condition to call on your bravery. Next time your body stiffens, try to challenge your fear and tell yourself that it is okay to feel afraid.
