Attachment theory is based on evolutionary knowledge that humans need a connection to survive.

Attachment styles develop on the model we carry from our early relationships, and these styles help us understand how our early relationships affect romantic relationships. According to the theory, there are 4 Attachment Styles. Secure attachment is associated with getting emotional needs met by being surrounded by people who act as a secure base. Insecure attachment styles develop when secure bases are inconsistent and not available.

Let’s explore attachment behaviour in relationships:

Secure

This attachment style is characterized by secure freedom. Securely attached individuals feel that they can trust their partners and their intentions. Adults with secure attachment can respect their partner’s need for growth and development and provide unconditional support and a secure base. Usually, there are no conditions attached to their love. There is an understanding that a partner’s behaviour doesn’t always reflect how they feel towards them and can be explained by circumstances. Love and commitment are not characterized by specific interactions but are instead an internalized bond between two people. High emotional intelligence and resilience allow for communication and understanding between partners to move past obstacles.

Anxious-preoccupied

Adults with this attachment style tend to miss what the relationship is and have an image of their “ideal” partner and use that image for comparison. As the bond is formed with the image, anxious-preoccupied adults can become demanding, obsessive, and clingy because they expect their partner to be like the image they create for themselves. This pattern makes people prone to overthink and to have anxiety about the future of the relationship. People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to have lower or unrealistic self-esteem because they don’t have a safe relationship to use for reference and from which to build their inner knowledge.

Dismissive-avoidant

Adults with this attachment style seem to be the most independent to the outside eye. Their independence comes at the cost of being dismissive, ignorant and cold. It is tough to be vulnerable for a dismissive-avoidant adult, and they use the “space” in the relationship to create distance between partners. Similarly, it is hard for the person to feel a bond and connection with their partner. There is no opportunity to form healthy communication as a dismissive-avoidant individual will withdraw and act as if they don’t care whenever there is a perceived threat of a partner leaving. People with this attachment style tend to experience illnesses due to stress because their true feelings are not vocalized.

Fearful-avoidant

This attachment style is characterized by a constant fear of being too close or not close enough in a relationship. Adults with fearful-avoidant attachment styles can’t find their middle ground of feeling secure with their partners. The fear of abandonment behind the attachment style makes people sensitive to their partners’ behaviour. Anxious-avoidant adults adjust their behaviour with the goal of not losing their partner no matter what. Partners of adults with such attachment styles feel that their partner is emotionally overly dependent on them. As a result, fearful-avoidant adults have mood swings. They don’t have trust in the future of their relationship as even though their partners often reject them, they attach to the relationship.

How is my attachment style affecting my life outside of relationships?

Keep in mind how much of an impact your memory has on your judgements, feelings and decisions.

The tricky part is that relationships also form memories, both pleasant and unpleasant. If you recollect pleasant memories in a given situation, you will have pleasant associations with the present. If you recollect negative memories, you will have negative associations with the present. The stronger the image and feeling of memory are, the more it stays active in your brain. The more active it is, the more likely it will be the first in line for recollection.

Got it. What about attachment, though?

People with dismissive or fearful attachment styles usually don’t recollect specific relationship memories. However, that doesn’t mean that the memories don’t exist. Rather it means that those memories are not processed and cause ego-depletion (your mental energy being used up). In the present, unresolved memories from the past interfere with the thought process and generate anxiety and constant self-doubt. Why? Because there is no clear memory lined up for recollection, but there is a strong impact of that memory on your body and emotions.

Adults with a preoccupied attachment style also have a vague recollection of their past relationships. However, they are prone to recollecting a specific type of memory: they tend to replay memories that had caused pain. When recalling painful memories, adults with a preoccupied attachment style replay past events and try to create a scenario where they can avoid pain. It feels that if they can find one such scenario, then the pain they buried deep inside can be let go. Unfortunately, such a pattern also has a cost of anxiety and constant self-doubt. Why? Because the more we relieve the memory, the stronger the association becomes, not giving a chance for any other, better serving memories to be in the line of recollection in the present moment.

What should I do?

For both of the insecure attachment styles, you can regain power by accepting the case.

It is surprising how much can change simply by acknowledging that some of your thinking patterns and memories are a habit that doesn’t make you happier. For example, it seems that talking about our past problems may relieve the tension, and the more we talk about it, the sooner we will be able to let go. It’s not so easy. Sometimes*, recollecting the story and re-experiencing the emotions may keep the person from moving forward. If memory doesn’t seem to have a less intense reaction through repeated recall, it is better to stop poking the bear. 

Why? Because the real power is in the present moment.

You can control how you think and what you feel in the present. If you don’t let memory affect your present moment, your present dictates a new memory formation.

New connections…

The more often the connections between our present experience and memories are made, the stronger those connections become. Strong connections will act as driving mechanisms behind feelings and behaviour in the present and the future. However, once you realize that your attachment memory from the past is a trigger, you can choose to experience your present differently and break the connection. 

You have the power to stop and to question.

You have the power to understand that you can choose to accept your trigger memories and choose memories that serve you better. Then, you truly let go of the memories that put you in pain or sadness. 

Okay, but are there times that it’s better to process disturbing attachment memories?

Have you ever experienced how difficult it can be to get over a breakup?

Not only in the immediate time frame but years after, you still feel that you can remember emotions and are longing to go back to that “safe” place. This self-absorption is easy to lose control of, and it feels as if you will never be able to move on.

The good news is that you can handle it!

In some cases, witnessing the facts of the situation can help people move on from memories and, in the example above, relationships.

So far, I haven’t mentioned how adults with secure attachment process relationships. The key is that they believe that love will always be available. Securely attached adults feel that when one relationship is not going well or does not feel the way they anticipated, that doesn’t mean that it’s their fault, their partner’s fault, or that no relationship will ever feel good enough. Securely attached adults don’t cling to ideas or dreams. They can witness facts and attribute them accordingly.

Together with communication skills, their emotional regulation system allows them to have a constructive viewpoint on the past to set conclusions and have hope for the future. Usually, if a breakup happens, they are not blamed on either of the partners but are taken as a part of the developmental journey.

On the other hand, adults with dismissive, fearful, preoccupied or anxious styles do not believe that love will always be available. They feel that there is not enough love for them, and it’s better to preserve what they already put some effort into. Because of that, they don’t have an opportunity to develop a strong emotional regulation system. When there is a lack of an emotional regulation system, not poking the bear of remembering unpleasant memories from the past can’t guarantee for memories not to pop up in our consciousness.

This is why sometimes, guided processing is essential. People need to make sense of and understand their worlds and why some things come to an end. If there is no sense of a memory or a breakup, our minds will keep offering different scenarios. In fact, some adults start new relationships to keep their consciousness busy and not have an opportunity for unresolved memories to invade the mind.

Once people can conclude their story and make sense of it, there won’t be a need for consciousness to keep a guard not to let unresolved memories in because there will be no unresolved memories.

* There are times that you have to recollect memories from the past to bring them to the surface of conscious awareness. With memories accessible to conscious awareness, you can manage suppression.